Wednesday, 3 October 2018


I had previously attributed my lack of assertiveness and my inability to plan ahead or make decisions to my father's absence growing up, but I now believe they may more directly be attributed to having received no positive reinforcement from my mother at any point.

All she did was nag. When I went away on holiday with my father or grandparents, she would "tidy up" my room and give my toys away. Any project I attempted would be undone as soon as I turned my back. I grew up in constant insecurity, hounded. Nothing was worth doing. Nothing is worth doing.

She loved me, of course, but she never showed it. I remember once she moved to caress my face, likely because there was someone else present, and my instinct was to shy away, as I did not know what that was.

I used to think that she did everything for me, but I now know that to be false. She did not stay with my father, and she made me grow up with no knowledge of what it is to be loved.

Should I be angry? I feel only sadness...